Washington, DC – While Donald Trump and his new national security adviser John Bolton spent the day threatening to rain down missiles on Syria, Mike Pence quietly locked himself in his bathroom, pulled out his Bible, and began furiously jerking off to the Book of Revelations.
“It’s all coming true, finally!” crowed Mike Pence as he excitedly thumbed through stuck together pages of End Times prophecies, looking for the passages that really get him off. Making sure the door was locked, in case Mother might interrupt him, the vice president slid his hands down the front of his tighty-whities, and began fantasizing about the possibility of Christ coming again.
Ignoring the pictures of starving children that Paul Ryan had sent him as a going-away present, the VP thumbed through his Bible looking for the passage about only 144,000 Jews getting into heaven that really made him hard.
Finally finding the part with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Pence bit his lip and closed his eyes, imagining paradise for the next 2 hours as he unloaded his precious bodily fluids.
“Michael! Are you sinning in there?” suddenly came a voice from beyond the locked door as Pence slumped to his knees into a pile of discarded Trump-branded dress socks.
“No, Mother! Prepare yourself, Jesus is coming again, and so am I!”