WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump took to the podium today to distance himself from Pennsylvania’s gerrymandering decision, claiming that he’s “never even met anyone called Jerry Mandarin”.
Yesterdays decision saw the Supreme Court refuse to block a new election map for Pennsylvania that gives Democrats a chance to win four or more congressional seats in November ,and gives them a good chance to win half of the 18 House seats.
However Trump, who is currently in the midst of a category 5 Muellercane, took some time out from freaking out in a completely non-guilty fashion to confirm that Jerry Mandarin had never been an issue for him because he’d never crossed paths with him.
“Look, the Supreme Court made their decision about this guy called Jerry”, he said, “I’m sure he’s a nice guy but he has nothing to do with me. I’ve never even met him. I mean, I know a few guys called Jerry but none of them have that surname.”
“I thought for a while that it could have been Jerry the gardener from Mar-A-Lago, but what would he be doing in Pennsylvania? That’s like, a hundred miles away. He’s a nice guy, he definitely wouldn’t need to go to the Supreme Court. Real nice guy. I’m considering him for Secretary of State. Really knows his plants and flowers and stuff.”
The high court will have more to say on the issue of partisan gerrymandering, but Trump isn’t worried.
“Look, I get it, this Jerry guy is popular. He likes to switch things around all over the country, I can respect that. Maybe we could meet up one day for some well-done steak and see if he can help me in 2020. Who knows?”