Trump: “I Would Have Ran Into That School And Tweeted That Shooter Into Submission”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump showed his ‘Rambo’ side today by claiming that, had he been at the site of the Florida school shooting, he would have “ran in there and Tweeted that shooter into submission”.

The US President made the comments during a governors meeting at the White House today to discuss school safety, and in his usual way-off-script manner, explained to those in attendance just what would have gone down had he been there.

“Look folks, there’s no doubt about it”, he said, “If I was there in Florida I’d have ran in there, pulled out my phone, and Tweeted at him until he was begging to be turned over to the police. Everything would have gone so smoothly, believe me.”

“He’s just a kid so he’s probably got a Twitter account. Well, had one. I doubt that account is still up. But I would have Tweeted so hard at him that his head would have been spinning. Believe me, only the best Tweets. I might even have thrown some direct messages in there, and ended it with #youareabigloser.”

“He would have walked out of that school and said “Mr. Trump, take my weapon, I can’t take your Tweets anymore. Please, just turn me in.” And that would have been the end of it. It’s sad that it didn’t end that way and that I wasn’t there to help.”

“Clearly something went wrong that day. Obviously the police captain running in the opposite direction didn’t help matters. It’s a shame. But that’s why some of us are brave, like myself. Tweeting is a difficult job and in tense situations it can get hairy, but someone’s got to do it.”

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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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