The NRA Hires Roy Moore To Replace Eddie Eagle As New Children’s Gun Safety Mascot

The NRA needs a new figure who is more than willing to take a hands-on approach with kids.

Fairfax, VA – It’s been a nice run for Eddie Eagle as the NRA’s safety mascot for kids. Unfortunately, according to NRA president Wayne LaPierre, it’s time for a new mascot that not only appeals to their base, but is more than willing to take a hands-on approach with kids.

Eddie Eagle has had his time as the face of gun safety for kids. Sadly, in order to appeal more to white male conservative gun owners who are worried about interspecies relations with an eagle of questionable sexual identity, he had to be put down, and replaced with someone with more appealing moral credentials.

Step forward Roy the Rhino, represented by former Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore, who recently lost a special election over allegations that he had inappropriate sexual relations with under-aged girls.

In return for a simple grab of his horn, Roy the Rhino has pledged to teach your kids the in’s and out’s of firearm safety. But listen here, it’s got to be a good, firm grab.

Roy the Rhino was given a trial run at the¬†Shirley W. Sweeney Middle School in Fairfax, VA earlier today, with both teachers and parents deeming it a “complete success” on the basis that all children came away with near enough no mental scarring.

Further focus groups are planned, with stops in local high schools across the country. Roy the Rhino has packed plenty of Molon Lube, for guns, in his recently converted NRA van, and is excited about one-on-one sessions with young female students who may need some extra tutoring in gun safety.

Eddie the Eagle was buried by the NRA today with a 21 gun, AR-15 salute near Sandy Hook Elementary, home of Roy Moore’s future child bride.

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John Barron

I am definitely not Donald Trump. No sir, not me. You must be thinking of somebody else.

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