NEW YORK, NY – A groggy Eric Trump stumbled into a Secret Service investigation this morning after his sister-in-law, Vanessa Trump, opened a letter full of a white powder.
Eric Trump, clad in his Cookie Monster onesie and recovering from a long night of Mountain Dew and Logan Paul YouTube videos, was surprised to find Secret Service and FBI agents in hazmat suits in the living room, blocking his way to the kitchen cabinet where the Coco Puffs are stored.
“You guys, like what is happening right now? Why is the FBI here, where’s Robert Mueller? Are we going to jail for working with Russia?” he asked before being tackled and shushed by his brother, Donald Trump Jr.
As Vanessa Trump was rushed to the hospital, it suddenly dawned on Eric that the mysterious white powder was actually his monthly mailing of cocaine samples, direct from Medellin.
“Oh dear, no wonder she felt sick. This is the premium shit straight from a collection of artisan labs in Colombia, not that cheap college blow we did before Russia propped up Dad’s business. You can’t just snort the whole envelope, at least not if you’re a beginner like Vanessa. Dad is gonna be so pissed.”