Politics

Robert Mueller Spending Rest Of The Month Sifting Through Trump’s Replies To Spam Viagra Emails

He's dedicated the rest of January to it.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After successfully obtaining “tens of thousands” of Trump transition emails, Robert Mueller is now spending the rest of January sifting through the hundreds of Donald Trump’s replies to spam Viagra emails.

Settling down with a cup of hot cocoa in his Washington D.C. office, Mueller began the hefty task of, one by one, putting emails to one side in which President Trump has asked for “more information” from spam bots trying to sell little blue pills at considerably reduced prices.

“Jesus H Christ, he replies to every single one of them”, Mueller reportedly muttered to himself as he began the daunting task earlier this afternoon, “There’s got to be at least 900 of them. And none of them have replied back to him. Absolutely unbelievable.”



The task became so incredible that Mueller has sent a subpoena to former Trump adviser Steve Bannon to help make sense of it all.

“I told Steve to come on over and go through the emails with me. I said he should stop by the liquor store, grab a case of gin, and we’ll take a deep dive into this mess in exchange for immunity in the Russia investigation. By the time we get done, he’ll be too wasted to remember any of what I said.”

The investigation is expected to take yet another turn once Mueller reviews Trump’s browser history and finds “how to get asylum in a non-extradition country,” “what does a president do?” and “how to survive in prison.”



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Guybrush Threepwood

Hi, I'm Guybrush. Not Gorbush, not Frygosh, not Monsieur Tweephood, and certainly not Mr. Spicecake. Guybrush. I used to desperately want to be a pirate, however after many fruitless endeavors and being involved in a number of monkey-related incidents and quarrels with a chap named LeChuck, I turned my attentions to my second love - journalism. I'm here to bring you the latest news from here, there and everywhere. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or later tonight.

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