John Schnatter is out and Colin Kaepernick is in as CEO of Papa Johns Pizza. The executive parking spot will not be occupied by a classy Jaguar rather than the trailer park staple known as the Camaro.
Kaepernick is planning to announce major changes for the Papa Johns pizza chain. The first order of business is to retool the company recipes. “We are going to use real pizza dough instead of corrugated cardboard” stated the new CEO. Plans are also being made to give equal treatment to all ingredients. One board member even proclaimed “Black Olives Matter!“. No longer will Papa Johns take a knee when it comes to pizza.
Papa Johns is working on new marketing for the brand. Kaepernick is planning to replace the outdated spokesman shown during NFL games. “I feel we need a spokesman whose face does not look like discarded pizza crust”. The new CEO believes he can recruit Beyonce and recreate her Super Bowl performance for the new campaign.
When contacted for comment, former CEO Schnatter simply kept repeating the companies slogan over and over. Kaepernick is stating that he feels sorry for the former Papa Johns executive. “It is a real shame to see someone lose a job because they used their right to free speech”.
The new CEO is also planning on renaming the company. No longer will it be known as Papa Johns. “I think Daddy Kaep’s Pizza sounds much better”.